So what’s your goal? What action are you going to take? What’s our next step? That is how I have operated for a very long time to ‘solve’ and ‘fix’ anything! If I don’t take action, then how will it be in my control? How will things be okay?
Familiar? It would be. We have taken action since school to get grades and then get into college and then make life’s big plans and then achieve them. Do not get me wrong. I am still a very action-oriented person and have very high regards for those who take action as opposed to crib and blame and victimize themselves.
However, I learned with time that sometimes ‘not doing’ can be ‘doing’. We can change our experiences just by ‘feeling’ and maybe sometimes all we need is ‘feeling’.
- When a relationship didn’t work out and I had intense anger towards myself on the time I invested
- When I felt deep sadness with some things not going my way
- When I felt the pain of trying to let go things I could not change
- When I felt shame for allowing some things to come into my life which were self-sabotaging
The stories swirling in my head like a tune that doesn’t leave your head – but this time leaving me exhausted and even angrier! Why? Because why am I not doing something about it? Why can’t I run to someone to fix it? Why can’t I blame it on someone or find some really valid excuse? Did I try all this? Well, yes I did because I was habituated to do that. The sensation would subside for a while and then erupt like a volcano! I wanted to express delivery service to get these feelings out of my home (my head) and be dropped in thin air so I don’t have to remotely face them.
But things don’t work that way. Then slowly I learned to just ‘feel’ and ‘observe’.
- I accepted and recognized my feelings in my body – where did I feel it? Where was the pain stuck? I felt the spots without trying to fix anything anymore.
- I dissociated the deep conditioning of how we see these feelings – We are so conditioned to say ‘I am angry’, ‘I am sad’ – the labeling of ourselves as the emotion is where we pull ourselves down. I started to say – ‘yes I feel anger’, ‘yes I feel sadness’ and it is OKAY.
- I observed the patterns – my awareness process to understand me better. This was an opportunity by itself to know ‘me’ and again let myself know it is OKAY.
- I nourished myself – guess how? By letting myself be. Feeling emotions when they came and giving myself compassion and love – no, not by doing but by letting myself know – IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.
At first, when we see this process, it may seem weak and it can feel like we are giving up on ourselves. What I can tell you is that this is harder than ‘doing something’ and it is being more strong than you ever have. It is giving up all resistance and fight for once. Yes, there are many occasions we need to act but there are some we need to observe and surrender.
Buddha says, ‘human suffering is caused by aversion and resistance to what is happening’. Let go of this resistance with no need to act or speak or do something. Just sit and feel the healing.
Nipa Asharam is a certified health and life coach.