5 Signs That Indicate That This Relationship Is Not The Right Fit For You
Relationships are meant to be simple. It’s the head that complicates it. There are cues we get all the time when it feels good and when it doesn’t but the head isn’t ready to work with the signs. So, we let head take the lead and there starts the visit through the amusement park!
Oh, don’t worry! I have visited this amusement park – some spend more time there and some are fortunate enough to make it quick because they got the perfect ice cream and decided to enjoy it slowly! So these amusement parks are huge and some people figure their way pretty well, which is why they get to the ice cream while others miss the signs completely!
I have missed some of those signs but with experience, I gained wisdom and so I want to make the ‘relationship amusement park’ easy for you to maneuver – show you the signs upfront – mark them in RED – they will bring clarity when to cut your losses and value your time. They will tell you this relationship’s probability of working is low and then maybe its time to accept that it’s not the right fit for you.
It is true that different relationships work for different people but there are some universal truths about being in a fulfilling relationship. When they are missing, we are tempted to convince ourselves that this can be worked upon – maybe yes but mostly no. So, let’s get to the signs:
#1: Not on the same page with core values: We all have core values we believe in. They dictate our actions. For eg. Discipline is one of my core values and it wasn’t of my ex-partner. It doesn’t make someone better than the other. It just doesn’t bring harmony in day to day choices. I like my days with routines and habits around a certain time. For someone else, this might not be how they function. Then even if there is a connection, things don’t match. It creates unnecessary friction. The long term friction leading to other micro-situations that are unpleasant. So figure what your core values are. Cap them at 3 most important ones and see if those match with your partner’s values.
#2: Find it to be difficult to be vulnerable even after a while in the relationship: Vulnerability is power. Most see it as a weakness because what if I get exposed to how I feel? What if after knowing that he/she will take advantage of me? What if I get hurt because of it? Firstly, being able to be vulnerable comes easily with high self-worth but also if we aren’t truly comfortable with someone, we won’t be able to be that. So if the latter is happening, then there is trouble in paradise! We need to reflect where is the gap? Self-worth issue or is this is a specific issue in this relationship? Without vulnerability, we don’t allow ourselves to feel all emotions in a relationship – this won’t make this a fulfilling one.
#3: It is not a solution-oriented relationship: Let’s face it! We aren’t with our clones!!! We will have differences that we need to share and arrive on a common ground to move forward. However, the attitude needs to be solution-oriented for both people. There needs to be a yes, I want to make this work so what’s the solution? How do we make each other comfortable? How do we keep our beautiful relationship intact? I have seen clients who are struggling here because one of them is operating from this attitude and the other is constantly poking holes!
#4: Lack of intimacy: After some time in a relationship, intimacy is not there and it’s fine – we hear this from friends and read it often enough to start thinking that health of a relationship isn’t determined by this. Of course, it is! It’s such an integral part of the human need to feel love through touch. This can be worked on but if it pertains long enough then time for a real wake-up call.
#5: The energy felt around the person is edgy: Energy introduces our relationship and us before words do! There is a calmness and feeling of home when the energy is powerful and there is constant ‘what if I say this or do this’ when the energy is edgy. We think this is an expectation thing but you know what? We need to be who we are loved like that. Sure, we will constantly grow and evolve but it can’t be based on the hope of the relationship being something else. Energy is speaking a language – be quiet enough to listen to it.
Observe these 5 signs – with your breath, your mind and heart open- to not be in denial. This will help you maneuver the relationship amusement park more smoothly without being scarred and exhausted – the ice-cream is delicious if the flavours match us!
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