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Conscious Uncoupling: A newer way to ‘uncouple’ better

25 May, 2019
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Conscious Uncoupling: A newer way to ‘uncouple’ better

Gone are the days when a marriage was for better or for worse; in sickness and in health; or until death do us part! 40–50% of couples in the United States get divorced according to American Psychology Association, and subsequent divorce rates are even higher! Nowadays it’s the time and day of conscious uncoupling, if a couple cannot survive the relationship.

Breakup or Breakthrough?

Conscious uncoupling is a gentler and more amiable term given to the dramatic and difficult term divorce. Psychotherapist Kathleen Woodward Thomas describes conscious uncoupling to be a proven process for loving and completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace.

She claims that instead of taking the usual advice from our family and friends that a divorce will be painful; it should be seen as an opportunity to turn the emotional pain of a break up by making it a breakthrough in the way you show up in your life and in your next relationship. Katherine, who has written a book on conscious uncoupling, has designed a five-week program to ease individuals through detachment from a relationship and readjustment to singlehood. The program challenges the traditional traumatic view of divorce or breakup, using it as a growth opportunity and offering a “smooth and painless transition into your new, magnificent life.”

One of the more popular examples of conscious uncoupling in recent times have been seen in Hollywood -Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced a few years ago that they were to consciously uncouple, and stated that “while we love each other very much we will remain separate.”

Break ups are really hard and a person can go into a negative cycle that can hurt unendingly. The most recent example of a successful conscious uncoupling is Vishen Lakhiani, the founder of Mindvalley and his wife Cristina.  They consciously uncoupled and said that they chose to redefine divorce because it creates so much negative emotions in so many people. Following the conscious uncoupling process the method explained in Katherine Woodward’s book they divided their assets, they are still great friends and business partners and co- parents! In fact they even vacationed together with their kids!! Isn’t that amazing?

Conscious uncoupling process has five steps:

  1. Identify your negative emotions and be free from them: This includes identifying your emotions, naming them, coming to terms with them and accepting them without being judgmental.
  2. Reclaiming your power and life and also taking your own responsibility even if it’s one percent or 2% or 50% of cause in the separation.
  3. Breaking patterns and healing your heart: This important step involves identifying and breaking patterns that are causing relationships to suffer because anything from childhood fears, traumas that graduate from those patterns and can create a new relationship- this can be done in a healthier way.
  4. Be a love wizard: This step is trying to forgive the other person and go on from the old agreement to new agreements, to be able to have a healthy relationship with your partner by letting go of the vows and promises …Doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with your ex or your former partner especially if the relationship has been abusive or you have been treated very badly. It means that you don’t have to internalize all your hate towards them; so that you don’t suffer.
  5. Create a happy future: This involves helping your community understand the new form the relationship is taking. This will help friends and family to be a part and accept the transition and also help individuals prepare for a healthier relationship with each other; especially if kids are involved as in the usual divorces, many times kids go through a great psychological impact.

Maybe it’s time to accept separation as conscious uncoupling, as things will be better not bitter. Kids need not be divorce statistics, there won’t be litigation, tug of wars, or custody battles. The more people consciously uncouple instead of divorcing each other, the less emotional baggage, less broken homes there will be! Share your thoughts in the comments below!


Geeta Hansaria is a homeopath with a passion for writing, especially food poems, binges on DIY kid crafts and cooks up yummy  ‘thalis’ for her vast Instagram fan following. 

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